Baldur

Yes, I have 2 children who are now adults, in fact my partner an I flew out to Los Angeles for my son's wedding in February.
My daughter lives with her mother here in RI.

Yes, I wrote this story, though it was only committed to text last night, all of the stories and songs that we shared years ago are still in our heads.

solosater

That's nice, you should put them all on paper or disks or whatever, for the grandkids and the great grandkids.

We have recipes, mostly I think they’re rather yucky but we have them and it’s a part of my mother’s past.

I don’t have anything but my father’s art; he liked to draw when he was sober, mostly when he was in jail. He was a master craftsman and could build a house from the ground up and did, I learned to walk here, I live in the Red Headed Stepchild Suite now but his work is all around me always.

You should put those stories in a book for your family.

Baldur

My father was reborn some years ago, and not in a religious sense.

He had a series of strokes in the late 1970s that totally altered everything about him.
Before he was loud and rather abusive, but also wildly creative, a talented carpenter who could build just about anything and had a wicked sense of humor. He had many friends and was quite active within an organization he belonged to, doing charity work, fundraisers etc etc. Beneath it though he was harsh and in my mind had a serious attitude problem.
After his strokes (there were 2 major and 2 minor ones) he became pleasant but bland. He is no longer argumentive but also has no sense of humor. He has forgotten how to use every tool that once was part of his livelihood. He hires people to do the simplest tasks.
My mother has become the dominant force in that household where before she was rather softspoken.
This is rather like my family was taken away and strangers assumed their places.
This all took place just before I became a father myself. They disliked my wife and her family. When trying to rebuild his life I felt doors shutting in my face at every turn. I was the bad son, I married who they thought was a horrible woman and my children were therefore MY punishment.
My marriage did not last, and indeed my wife was not and is not an evil person. We were not meant for each other but we have always remained friendly. A sad side to this is that my children to this day do not exist in my parent's world. From the beginning they were not regarded as true grandchildren and suffered slight after slight. Eventually they tired of it and I sat down with them and we ironed out a plan for our future.
My sisters see me as an evil force who is keeping their nephew and niece away but they do not have the whole picture and I will not give it to them.
They adore my parents and will never accept that this wrong ever happened
My children will forever be excluded. In many ways this is the best scenario.
When my son married in February my parents were not even informed. Eventually they will learn of it and I will be called on the carpet. I am ready for that moment.
My children are wonderful, brilliant, caring people. The best solution I have for this generation split is to go on as if indeed my parents are no longer with us and try to forge a strong family bond with the future generations.

In the meantime I visit my parents once a month and assist them as I am able but I fear I no longer respect the choices they've made.

Baldur

A regular feature about my visits with my parents is the enjoyment they get from calling me a liar. Rarely a visit goes by that I am not called one.
Usually that signifies to me that it has become time to leave.
I give my mother a kiss on her cheek and shake my father's hand and quickly depart.

Qsilv

I envy your grace.

Baldur

It is a powerful tool that many people do not consider using.

For example sarcastic parting comments are enjoyable and show ones sense of wit, but keeping that little thing locked beyond a neutral face is far more devastating. Especially when a person is trying to get your goat.
I suspect one of the things my parents want is for me to explode and then they can claim a complete victory, using it as an example of how badly I run my life.

Qsilv

mm hm.... I kinda keep a couple mantras handy in my mind when tempted:

The best revenge is a happy life.

Nothing that happens matters as MUCH as what you do about it.

'Course it took me a while to learn those at the bone deep place where they help.

Baldur

Occasionally my mother will ask how my children are. I remain rather detached about such things when they happen and reply 'I'm certain they are quite fine'.
Even a very quick Google search will reveal my son (both children have unique names) has lived in Los Angeles for a number of years. The fact that I've not mentioned this would infuriate my mother

Qsilv

anger... madden... infuriate... piss off... irritate... .....Baldur, do YOU have any ideas on what triggers that odd state in us? What it really consists of, what can possibly work as ballast against it ('against' itself may here be a term that leads us down a difficult path...)

...just asking

Baldur

I don't truly understand what causes it but I think I've figured out the method to stop others from gloating when they feel that they've gotten me.
That in itself is based on the assumption that these hurtful things are fully intentional. I believe that they are

Qsilv

The intent, tho... is to make ourselves feel good. It's all down to feelings in the end.

Baldur

You are correct Qsilv.
There were years when every time I visited my parents was a complete nightmare. I needed to get around that.
A choice I could have made was to not see them at all , to close them out of my life. I thought this method would give me less regrets years from now.
Often we internalize all these conflicts, and later become convinced that we ourselves were at fault. The thinking becomes 'If only I had done this instead of that....'
I am continuing my duties to them, and listen while there.
Each month I am more and more convinced that I am not to blame.

Qsilv

*twinkly grin... THAT works

For many years I had a memory that was pretty miserable. It colored my way of thinking about myself. Bitterly. And of course I'd been assured that I'd imagined it (quite a terribly undermining thing in itself). Eventually two things happened.... I simply got enough other experiences under my belt (both strengthening ones and deeply sad ones) to shift my perspective, and at some point I realized that it really didn't matter if I'd imagined it or not. What mattered was that I felt it had happened. The feelings mattered. The kicker, of course, was that the moment I realized that... the very moment... literally within a minute or two of mulling... I knew it really had happened. But I also knew they were only doing the best they could. So it didn't matter. And there didn't need to be 'blame' either direction.

(slow smiling starting here..) ok, that's garbled enough.

At the end of the day, I believe 'right' and 'wrong' are short cut terms. 'Appropriate' and 'inappropriate' lead to clearer thinking... and way less blame.

;>

Baldur

Sometimes we catch some clue from another person, if only a look of distaste that colors everything from that point on.
The key there is to remember that the failing was not in yourself.
The fact that we sometimes observe things not meant for us should never be a blanket excuse to disregard such matters.

I actually am rather quick to forgive, but slow to restore trust.

Baldur

Remember to keep your dial set to Radio Baldur, ' All Baldur, All the Time'

Baldur

And now for something completely different, I found an odd 'Bugs Bunny' clip on YouTube. Though not obscene I would defintely put this in the 'usher your children out of the room' category.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wueL_SOx4QM&feature=related

Baldur

I must apologize for that, it was certainly below my normal standards, which were fairly low to begin with.

solosater

I’ve come to the conclusion that we can’t and shouldn’t be everything our parents want for us to be.

If ever I’m blessed with children I hope I can help them to grow to be all that is right for them.

One way or the other I also believe that we owe or parents due honor and that they in turn should respect our lives and boundaries.

Ephesians 6:2-4a says, “ ‘Honor your father and your mother’, which is the first command with a promise: that it will go well with you…’ And you fathers do not be irritating your children…”

I think that’s pretty clear.

BTW, Baldur, sometimes honoring you father and your mother is as simple holding your tongue and walking away, we (I) could all learn a little something from your fine example.

Baldur

'All Baldur All the Time',
I'd like at this time to wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day, hopefully you will all have time to reflect on your mother's today.

Baldur

-i, I just hate when I do that