midnightpoet

Giraffe, the problems lie in these two sentences...

"His fake attempts at chviilry are only accepted by his luminecient eyes. He wore medium sized jeans, and that showed off his great ass, but his committments were nebulous."

1) chviilry
2) "only accepted by his luminecient eyes" here, luminescent is misspelled, and i don't think you meant to use the word accepted.
3) The second sentence is so grammatically incorrect I don't know what you're saying. The problem lies, I think, with "and that showed off his great ass" but it's hard to tell, because the grammar doesn't work so it's hard to know what you're saying.

bhughes

Midnightpoet Thanks for the info of not being able to hand the torch back,

giraffe

Midnight, You're right on the misspellings, but I don't consider those gross errors. I've seen a lot worse. My point was that he was great at acting sexy, but had no sense of commitment. Lots of women are like that too. That's why I switched genders. It's a short piece of prose. And I did bend the rules on word usage.

Qsilv

Hey guys, sorry to just barge in and do the schoolmarm thing w/o even a contribution.... I simply have noooo life right now.

Midnightpoet – using MS Word 2000, I got the same word-count as bhughes: 252 minus 3 = 249 …but here’s a little additional input for you to tinker with. I love ellipses for their ability to suggest timing and intensity but if you let them touch the words on BOTH sides they act like a hyphen for word-count! So it’s counting >>Twelve minutes left...she'd better not<< as 5 words, and the same thing’s happening with >>doing…he<< and >>picnic…he<<
(Tiny typo, btw…. the pretty face stands on its own, not it’s.) ;>

Morshy - that same pair of lines caught my attention -- "His fake attempts at chviilry are only accepted by his luminecient eyes. He wore medium sized jeans, and that showed off his great ass, but his committments were nebulous."

Consider this arrangement with the same word count (29), keeping the four List-words in their original state and correct spelling ("chivalry", "luminous", "medium", "nebulous") –

His nebulous commitments and pathetic plastic attempts at chivalry were acceptable only for the charm of his luminous eyes –and those medium-tight jeans showing off his ass to perfection.

midnightpoet

Huh. Thanks for that info, q...I didn't know that that ellipses affect the count. But I think the difference we're getting is because I use open office writer, not MS Word.

giraffe

PTSD (209 w/title)

Joey had just gotten out of boot camp. It was humiliating. Sarge would yell "Promenade 'round the flag. With rifles in 2nd position. Hup 2 3 4. The accent is on Hup and I want those knees higher on that word. I hope I'm not confusing you ladies."

None of it seemed relevant anymore. After these 2 weeks of leave, he would be deployed. He always treated Betsy with utmost chivalry, but with this sour taste on his palette, he even felt blah about that - just medium affection and lots of fear of where he was going. His eyes were no longer luminous and this nebulous apprehension about his future worried her a lot.

"Can't you just not go back?" she asked.

"Where would I go as AWOL?"

"How about Colorado? They advertise for almost everything and we could get you a fake ID. Or you could just live with me and I could work." She was in tears.

"I can't throw my life away - or yours. Goodbye Betsy." he said blandly.

"Goodbye, Joey." Betsy ran off crying and never saw him again.

On his first leave from Afghanistan, he saw her from behind at the train depot. He shot her in the back of the head then shot himself.

ferretkiss

Qsilv: amazing revision on that sentence. Impressive.

ferretkiss

P.S. If you are bored... why not update your TD profile?!?

giraffe

Yeah, Qsilv. I like your version better. Sometimes I just get an idea down and don't edit so well. Thanks.

morshy

QSilv - Um...I didn't write the sentence you revised. Not a big deal, I know, but still.

Qsilv

oh crap ---sorry morshy! I do know the difference between you guys, intensely well! Just was flying low and fast, narrow-focused.

Doug

giraffe...PTSD. Whoa...I didn't see that coming and I don't know if I want to. So reckless and devoid of humanity...oh that's right you were writing about someone who was battle weary. I get it and she got hers. You know I like those surprise endings. Good one!

giraffe

Doug, I've seen quite a few stories gorier than that about Ptsd. They deserve mention.

giraffe

I think that on top of everything else, maybe they can't stand imagining the grief their families would go through, so they put everybody out of their misery - including themselves. I don't know. It's a terrible but very realistic topic.

Doug

Yes realistic, but out of the ordinary. There are many brave military men and women who serve their countries proudly and come home to do amazing things. It also helps the economy sadly. I think history shows that a "damn good" war ramps up the industrial machinery and provides plenty of jobs. Nowadays we fight many "secret" wars and millions and billions of dollars go to universities and think tanks to develop "defense oriented systems and software. Its no secret that one of the leading universities right here in the burgh' enjoys untold unimaginable dollars from defense spending. I know you're a peacenik, but if "they" show up on my property I'll defend it and my neighbors to the death. Just "friendly" conversation giraffe.

giraffe

I agree Doug. But also realizing that all the wars and military industrial jobs are paid for out of tax dollars is an enigma. It's Socialistic, but it works somehow.

bhughes

#66 Giraffe, Your story "PTSD- POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER" is an unfortunate
scenario and brings to light the most difficult position that any man
or woman may face while serving to protect. It is a brave person to enlist
but the ability to cope might be tough in the end.

bhughes

Qsilv... thank you for clearing up the word count difference.

giraffe

Thanks, bhughes. I think there's always a 'shadow play' behind everything we take for granted. The innocent cheerleader is also the football whore for example. I like to mess around in those areas. I'm really not that cynical.

Doug

Way over the word count, apologies bhughes, and no title. Just a little tinkering on the keyboard and it looks like we needed another story anyway. Take it for what its worth or unworthy if that is the case.

Thomas was never the one to accentuate the positives in life
A free spirit yet he felt chained by the maladies of human strife.
Being poor in an urban gold mine people often said he just didn’t apply himself. Thomas thought that people just didn’t apply to him. He was a medium sized run of the mill soldier of misfortune ruminating about what was relevant in his world. He never could quite figure it out, but he tried. Sitting under a leafy oak tree he meditated on things. Some were quite obvious such as where his next meal would come from or would he find a safe place to sleep tonight, but Thomas although practically invisible to others had deep thoughts that needed fleshed out. The luminous flashes of brilliance escaped him, but a fire was brewing inside that brain. Something like a witch’s cauldron. Add a pinch of this and ganglions root and let it steep for hours. That’s what Thomas did under that tree. A thought of advertised happiness from passerby’s who walked the path holding hands went unnoticed. A simple glance towards a ripple in a shallow pond before him made more of an imprint. He gathered that unfocused glance in an unconfused manner and thoughts started to swirl in his cranium. After an hour of “thinking” Thomas had had enough. His palette of nebulous solutions for the world’s problems had presented themselves like the marionettes dancing on the promenade. He could control them he thought to himself. In a chivalrous manner he walked the path and let “them” have the right of way. He had better things to do than tangle with a cyclist or a couple out for a blissful afternoon.

Thomas reached into his pocket and pulled out a remote. The feel of the leathery button sent shivers down his spine as he pressed it and waited. Seconds later fireballs lit up the sky as buildings and bridges came crashing down. Thomas cracked a wee smile as he walked along admiring his beauty.