solosater

Ron I kinda' knew what you were doing; I'd love to read the longer version, this was so pared down it was a little hard to follow.

But them's the rules;-)

midnightpoet

I loved "Sanctuary", absolutely loved it. I would love to read the longer version, but I like it just the way it is, even without the explanation.

Dragon

Ron, so glad to see you back writing again. I had an idea of where "Sanctuary" was going, but I appreciated the explanation as it brought things clear. It makes me want to read the original story that inspired you and your original long version. I also enjoyed your other story too, sort of reminded me of being a teachers pet (though I very rarely ever wore toga's to school)

anotherronism

This is an official stardate entry and may be quoted as such.

I have never "stopped" writing.

I too am an addict of ThinkDraw.

I sometimes go too far.

But I have no enemies, even if they think I am theirs.

I love this site. But it waxes and wanes.

But I really, really LOVE ThinkWrite.

So even if I disappear into a pit of myself - I will still post in this forum.

Dragon

Funny that you say stardate entry given the subject of my next story. I decided to do one that was made up of nothing but what 2 characters were saying to one another, I've never done that before so I hope it turned out alright. Here goes, 172 words not including title.

Serendipity and the Event Horizon

“Captain Nugget, we’re needed on the bridge. We’re approaching the event horizon.”

“Not just now, Lieutenant. I’m enjoying a splendid strawberry tea. It will just have to wait.”

“They really do need us. The calculations need some tinkering and if we don’t get them right Serendipity and everything on her will be pulled in. You do remember what happens to things in a black hole don’t you?”

“Lieutenant Quirk, I do have a complete knowledge astrophysics and black holes in particular! Yes, if we go in even my titanium toothbrush won’t be around anymore.”

“Well, it might sir, but as it would be about 3 miles long and a nanometer thick you wouldn’t want to use it anymore.”

“Well, we’d best get to the bridge then, they’ll be all in a fever if we don’t get up there.”

“Sir it appears we’re being pulled in, I just saw the Ramjet fly by the window.”

“Back to my tea then, did I ever tell you I can sing the alphabet song backwards Lieutenant?”

Dragon

I was a little inspired on this one by the Captain from one of the Hitchhikers Guide books who spent all his time in a lovely bathtub situated on the bridge of his ship. I could imagine him having a similar conversation.

solosater

Yep. Sounds like a British scifi spoof to me; I like!

Login

Ron, you created this idea ... hope you keep it going until I'm too old to read (and longer).

midnightpoet

That totally has a Hitchhiker's Guide feel to it, I like it quite a bit.

five

"Timing"

Serendipity, a simple quirk of fate, always came to his mind when Harry remembered his dad’s return from war.

“There’s an alien in my alphabet soup,” Harry complained, squeezing and plopping a strawberry into the bowl, splashing soup onto the table.

“You’ll eat that,” Bea said. She raised the bowl and swiped a dishrag underneath it. Red liquid soaked into bleached white cotton.

“I hate berries. Pieces stick in my teeth.”

“You have a toothbrush, don’t you? Maybe you won’t tinker with your food. You eat every nugget; no one else will have that berry after you’ve manhandled it.”

Harry pouted, staring at the puckered berry. He pressed on it with his thumb.

“Stop fiddling.”

He lowered his chin to the table and stared over the edge of the bowl. “I don’t feel good,” he said. “I’m probably coming down with a fever.”

“You want to visit the doctor?”

Harry groaned, and sat up. “No.”

“Eat.”

The door swung open then. Harry jumped to his feet, running up to his Dad’s legs and grabbing hold.

five

"Timing" (alternate ending)

Serendipity, a simple quirk of fate, came to his mind when Harry remembered his dad’s return from war.

“There’s an alien in my alphabet soup,” Harry complained, squeezing and plopping a strawberry into the bowl, splashing soup onto the table.

“You’ll eat that,” Bea said. She raised the bowl and swiped a dishrag underneath it. Red liquid soaked into bleached white cotton.

“I hate berries. Pieces stick in my teeth.”

“You have a toothbrush, don’t you? Maybe you won’t tinker with your food. You eat every nugget; no one else will have that berry after you’ve manhandled it.”

Harry pouted, staring at the puckered berry. He pressed it with his thumb.

“Stop fiddling.”

He lowered his chin and stared over the edge of the bowl. “I don’t feel good,” he said. “I’m probably coming down with a fever.”

“You want to visit the doctor?”

Harry groaned, and sat up. “No.”

“Eat.”

A knock distracted her. When she went to the door, he grabbed the berry and whipped it into the garbage can.

His mother screamed.

anotherronism

Oh five! Wow!

What a difference some few words can make.

There is a movie - the name is completely escaping me. It's about a boy and the war and Dad and jam and oh, so many things.

This tiny little story reminds me so much of it.

I remember watching that movie (a comedy without laughter if I remember correctly) that it so tightly walked the line and could have so easily gone the other way. It ended happily, by the way, like your first entry.

But it's like your "timing" in that it could so easily have gone the other way.

What you've submitted today is simply brilliant.

I often write about boys (because I was one myself once) and something like "He lowered his chin and stared over the edge..." is such a perfect stalling action for a boy to do. Do you have kids yourself? Or a little brother?

But I ramble.

I'll sum it up. Nice!

anotherronism

Oops...

I had selected an entire paragraph from that last post and deleted it. I now realize only half the paragraph actually got deleted.

I won't rewrite it. The point is still made - but MAN would my english teacher have LOVED that post

solosater

Five, both stories were great. I'm of course for the first out come, though even when they come home whole it can be tough.

Ron, one of my English teachers once criticized the bible writers' terrible grammar, as they frequently started sentences with the word "and".

She was making a point on grammar and not the bible's message but it always stuck in my head.

To this day I have a hard time not starting sentences that way; probably would have anyway but wouldn't have cared.

midnightpoet

wow, what a difference with the two different endings...and I must say again, I simply love the way you do dialog!

five

Thanks.

Ron, I grew up with several brothers and sisters (little girls stall, too).

five

Solosater, I had an English teacher who taught us that writers know when to break rules of grammar. He used started a sentence with "And" or "But" for effect or voice as an example.

five

Dragon ... definitely sounds like British sci-fi spoof. Nicely done.

five

Ron, what about alternate "afters" (parallel universe and all) and how do you avoid the paradox of seeing yourself. Love the idea, was a little lost, though. Some stories do need more words than we are allowing

five

"Sweet Revenge"

“Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.” The children dropped into a giggling heap, except Franklin, the runt, who groaned and whimpered as Alice landed on him.

“Baby,” she said, punching his side.

“Ow.” His cheeks went red.

“Franklin’s a strawberry.” She laughed. “Strawberry, strawberry.”

The others joined in. “Strawberry, strawberry.”

Franklin rolled over and hid his face. The ground, more weed than grass, felt rough. The blades felt like bristles on his toothbrush. Crying made him hot, like he had a fever.

“Red Rover,” Alice yelled.

“Why’s the game up to you?”

“I’m the oldest,” Alice said, rolling her eyes. “And I come first in the alphabet.

Joy squatted by Franklin. “We shouldn’t be so mean.” She rubbed his back.

Franklin turned his head. A dark nugget lay by him. Perfect. He smiled. Mom had a word for this. Serendipity.

Dad called people’s worries “quirks”. Alice had quirks.

He reached for the nugget, grinning.

“Don’t tinker with that,” Joy said, “It’s poo.”

He sent the nugget flying at Alice’s grossed out face.