Think Draw - Picture - Aliens Celebrate Earth's Surrender

Title: Aliens Celebrate Earth's Surrender
created on 02 Sep 22

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Comments on this picture (77):
1. the_dude wrote: Whaaaat!? So cool!
2. bugoy1 wrote: Is that here or on the home world?
3. chelydra wrote: Hi bug — It in the ate 2030s, following the Great Wars between the various deusional systems contending for control of our dying planet.
4. chelydra wrote: It happened in the Iate 2030s (accidentaI deIetions)... that the first aiens arrived, missionaries, or maybe pigrims, they said they were...(Ain't it aways the way)...
5. chelydra wrote: ...ffering t save ur suls (funny h0w the letter "0h" drps ut as L revives!)
6. chelydra wrote: Next thing we I<new, they built temples everywhere, meditation halls they said, but they looked a whoIe Iot IiI<e f0rtresses —
7. chelydra wrote: CRUSADER CASTI_ES is what they IooI<ed IiI<e, and indeed it's what they were! They had come here to taI<e controI of the HoIy I_and!
8. chelydra wrote: "Get the %$#@!@ bacI< where ya'II came from!" snarIed the Iast surviving humans, between gasps. They were gasping not from surprise...
9. chelydra wrote: ...at the aIiens' audacity ...(they expected these newcomers to speaI< with forI<ed tongues and bad manners) but from the toxic gasses
10. chelydra wrote: ...emitted by weedkillers and by rotting wildlife, that had disIpaced the earth's sweet Iife-sustaining atmosphere.
11. chelydra wrote: And these humans were sure the aIiens had been sent by Satan to sow discord and confusion among us, because their own preachers ...
12. chelydra wrote: ...had taught them that respect for Creation (a.k.a. Mother Nature) implies disrespect for the Creator, and that Nature-lovers are therefore really Satanists
13. chelydra wrote: ...and that the Tree Of Life that opens and closes their own Holy Scripture has nothing to do with trees or with life, but is just a symbol...
14. chelydra wrote: ...all those green leaves symbolize what's holiest of all: Money! That which allows needles to pass so easily through the eyes of camels...
15. chelydra wrote: ...and allows the worthiest among us to live the luxurious lives they so richly deserve...
16. chelydra wrote: ...And only the most wayward heretics and the vilest blasphemers would sink to saying aloud that ugly old phrase "The Holy Land" because the righteous know that in this...
17. chelydra wrote: long-suffering world, only money is holy! Land, water, air, no less than fire (and forests, songbirds and moonlight) are the realms of Beelzebub, Lucifer, Baal, Ceres, Erde, and suchlike devils.
18. chelydra wrote: But the aliens were clever—they had brought with them exquisitely constructed engraving machinery, and lost no time in making more & better money that even the holiest preachers had ever dreamed of!
19. chelydra wrote: And while the last gasping humans were lobbing their harmless little missiles and H-bombs at the aliens' castles...
20. chelydra wrote: ...which I neglected to mention were unbelievably huge, as were the aliens themselves. Beside them the humans were barely even microbes!
21. chelydra wrote: So while the Great Patriotic War to drive out the alien invasion raged on and on in the words of the preachers and in their followers' imaginations...
22. chelydra wrote: ...the aliens were busy knocking on doors, quietly making deals, accumulating deeds to property after property
23. chelydra wrote: If anyone was reluctant, the offer would grow sweeter and sweeter until the property clanged claws (the aliens were born with claws, whereas humans acquired them through chemical burns, etc)
24. chelydra wrote: The alien engravers were working overtime to sweeten more and more deals, & chewing up the planet's last forest remnants to replenish stocks of money-paper.
25. chelydra wrote: The property-sellers each thought they alone had sold out to the alien crusaders. They also all assumed their neighbors really believed the preachers' rants about the unholiness of Earth and all its creatures.
26. chelydra wrote: Almost all the sellers secretly hoped the aliens would win, make the land holy again, and bring back the shriveled dried-up Tree of Life as a real living organism!
27. chelydra wrote: And lo & behold, one glorious morning in April 2039, the Aliens waved a white flag of peace--or surrender? Guess what! It didn't matter.
28. chelydra wrote: Because no matter which side claimed victory, "every square foot and cubic meter of this ravaged earth is now Holy," announced the alien Board of Commissioners.
29. chelydra wrote: "Yea, even thy Preachers and vestrymen and archbishops hath quietly transferred to us the deeds to their sects' own property-holdings!"
30. chelydra wrote: The alien commissioners rudely guffawed as they added "even the miIitary bases from which your silly missiles are launched belong to us!" And they waved the deeds at the TV cameras to prove it.
31. chelydra wrote: The commissioners and all their fellow aliens spoke with one melodious voice, like a well-disciplined harmonious choir, and they now concluded:
32. chelydra wrote: "You have parted with land you had already condemned and contaminated; you've handed over a planet your species obviously hated. Secretly you probably felt otherwise, but so what?"
33. chelydra wrote: The aliens took a deep breath, coughed and groaned at the bad taste, and continued: "All that really matters now is that you're free of a burden you never wanted...
34. chelydra wrote: "...from the day it was given to you, the day of your Fall from Eden, where Holy, Natural, and Human had all been One, sheltered by the Tree of Life...
35. chelydra wrote: "Your Scripture records how your Creator told you you were now in charge of the planet. It would be a lot of work, not always much fun...
36. chelydra wrote: "and for your sinful bite of the fruit of that other tree, you got Knowledge, but also the terrible punishment of permanent alienation from the Tree of Life.
37. chelydra wrote: "Anyway, all that is now over. It's in the past. We're entering into a New Earth under a New Heaven, so let it go, forget it, it was all a bad dream. It's done!!! The deal is sealed.
38. chelydra wrote: "For the first time since you heard the gates of Eden slam shut behind you, you're on Holy Land. Not as a tourist or a crusader, but as a living organism among other living organisms-—you've come Home!
39. chelydra wrote: "All land is now Holy. Welcome to our planet." "Hey! What's the catch?" hollered a lonely voice, quavering with old age and hoarse from inhaling too many toxic gases.
40. chelydra wrote: All of the alien faces, in perfect unison, frowned and looked around to see what the groupthink consensus had decided. "When should we tell them?" "Why do we need to tell them anything?" "It might be kinder not to."
41. chelydra wrote: Over the next several weeks, there were some rather uncomfortable human-alien ceremonial dinners celebrating the ideal of interplanetary friendship. The skies were dark with convoy after convoy of cargo saucers arriving full and departing empty.
42. chelydra wrote: The humans knew they should probably worry, but what the hell—they were too busy counting their excellent crisp sweet-smelling money, oodles and oodles of it!
43. chelydra wrote: Who knew a suburban quarter-acre lot with a dilapidated cottage and two-car garage would be worth $16 trillion?
44. chelydra wrote: What cargo kept arriving in such unthinkably vast quantities? Some humans who'd managed to get a look from a distance (security was tight) reported in was fudge sauce. Others suggested batshit, to begin restoring the earth's damaged and depleted topsoil.
45. chelydra wrote: In fact it was asphalt. When all dry land had been paved over neatly, it was time t evaporate the oceans. Orbiting lenses would do the trick, with safe, sustainable solar energy. Giant blowtorches would operate at night and on cloudy days.
46. chelydra wrote: Vast amounts of fresh-cooked fish—-more fish than humans had tasted since the Grand Banks fisheries collapsed--were salvaged from the deepest basins and trenches, where they'd been hidden from trawlers and rakes.
47. chelydra wrote: All over the world, tents were erected on the pavement for Last Suppers, to enjoy these last fruits from the once-fertile womb of Mother Nature. The hysterectomy that began he day after The Fall was finally complete.
48. chelydra wrote: Severance pay was distributed to all humans at the close of the Supper ceremonies. Even toddlers went home to their beds of open-air asphalt clutching wads of billion-dollar bills.
49. chelydra wrote: Alien speechmakers and toastmasters had warbled on and on at the fish suppers about severing the umbilical cord connecting human to the earth. It was time to take the first bold steps into intergalactic space, they said.
50. chelydra wrote: The aliens couldn't spare any spacecraft for this purpose, but there were a number of missiles in silos, with mouldering nuclear warheads, as well as various rocket ships, anti-aircraft weaponry, drones, etc, some of which, if aimed just so...
51. chelydra wrote: ...and launched very vigorously, might be able to carry one or more humans, or at Ieast some parts thereof, in the generaI direction of intergaIactic space.
52. chelydra wrote: With oxygen IeveIs pIummeting worIdwide, the aIiens thoughtfuIIy arranged things so that the dehumanization of earth wouId be very quicI< and reIativeIy painIess.
53. chelydra wrote: They toId a white Iie, promising that every human would have a place on an improvised spacecraft if they showed up at this pIace at that time. This guaranteed no Iingering mournfuI survivors hanging about maI<ing one another more and more miserabIe.
54. chelydra wrote: After the riots, trampIings, and the bIowbacI< from expIosive bIast-offs and predictabIe disasters, there was ;ust one stranded survivor Ieft earthbound.
55. chelydra wrote: With her Iast gasps of dry dead air, she managed to ask a passing alien, "What's the scoop, buddy? Was this your idea of a joke or what?"
56. chelydra wrote: "Joke? Hardly. You guys had it too easy. You knew parking was important, and it was on your mind fairly often, but for you was it ever a matter of life or death? I think not!"
57. chelydra wrote: "So it's like what Joni said. Pave paradise and put up a parking lot. And the oceans?" The alien looked back at her with narrowed eyes.
58. chelydra wrote: "We won't waste that space. "We've already filled and paved over the Marianas Trench. We've leveled Hawaii, too bumpy..." The human sneered, "I could throw up whenever I remember your talk about "Holy Land"
59. chelydra wrote: "—and now this!!! Like a grey-black rubber ball, airless, waterless, no soil underfoot anywhere... Holy, huh?"
60. chelydra wrote: The aIien sighed. "Try to see it from our point of view. when you have fleets of spaceships each the size of Connecticut ripping through spacetime, whizzing licketty-split past galaxy after galaxy...
61. chelydra wrote: "Believe me when I tell you, from that perspective, of several lifetimes devoted to a single voyage, a nice big accessible parking lot is a Holy Land indeed.
62. chelydra wrote: "This is a crime against humanity! At Nurmburg we hanged guys IiI<e you for less!" "No, I assure you," repIied the aIien, "no sembIance of a crime has been committed!
63. chelydra wrote: "This whoIe operation has been an exercise in Iegaity. Not testing the Iaws by extreme or questionabIe behavior—but doing exacty what aII the ruIes want us to do!
64. chelydra wrote: "Indeed we tooI< your business-as-usuaI patterns of behavior to their logical conclusion, and we did it on the straight-and-narrow!
65. chelydra wrote: "You may ob;ect that your home pIanet 'ain't what she use ta be' but change is a constant. Is this change for the worse? How couId it be? Don't aII municipaI governments define paved Iand as 'improved' Iand?"
66. chelydra wrote: "Your pIanet is more usefuI and more valuable than ever before. Consider the value of our shipping! The revenues from parking meters!
67. chelydra wrote: By removing the biosphere and the oceans we have cured aII disease and prevented aII erosion, floods and shipwrecI<s. AII! AII and forever!
68. chelydra wrote: "And furthermore—" But the alien looked down a realized this tiny human thing hadn't moved or even breathed for a while. Gingerly, he plucked her up...
69. chelydra wrote: ...and ambled across the parking lot—-to the edge of what had been a meadow but was now raw subsoil awaiting its coat of asphalt.
70. chelydra wrote: Almost miraculously, a tough old weed was still rooted in a few stray teaspoons of dry topsoil. The alien gently laid her down to rest in the shade of the withering weed.
71. chelydra wrote: What most of us would call holy, natural, and human were together again at last—-not as One but as Zero.
72. chelydra wrote: By the spring of 2041, improvements were complete and the Grand Opening would feature mick-ups of brass bands and church choirs, guest speakers on recording, etc.
73. chelydra wrote: NBy the spring of 2041, improvements were complete and the Grand Opening would feature mick-ups of brass bands and church choirs, guest speakers on recording, etc.
74. chelydra wrote: So - Are we here or are we on the home world of the aliens? Bugoy? Got a guess?
75. chelydra wrote: (I have no clue myself, and no idea what their home planet is like (or even if they still have one, which seems doubtful)).
76. Cherryis wrote: I always love the stories you include with your drawings chely!
77. chelydra wrote: Thanks! This one had some rough patches where even I got confused and bored, but it's a work in progress. None of that feel-good happy-ending nonsense that contaminates most ecological fables.