marius

So, to us ... the one room seems to be all that there is. When someone dies, they leave the room and to us ... they seem to be gone. We can't hear their voice anymore, see them smile, so we think they are gone but maybe ... maybe they are in a room right next door to us. Maybe that room is heaven. Maybe to US it seems very far away, very unreal ... but maybe it's like the nun told me about my Grandam ... she said, "Your grandma is with you more now than she was when she was alive."

potatoesoftheworld

I don't understand.

sheftali52

Tater, you feel the way you do because you're a loving human. And yes, it's always a terrible place to be in when someone you love passes away. You will honor your friend by never forgetting her, and time eventually makes the hurt more bearable. It's a lot to ask of one so young, and I am sorry you're going through this.

marius

Well, I can't say I understand either but I do believe this with all my heart ... when we cry and when we laugh we help ourselves and we help others. So, there is nothing wrong with how you feel right now.

Qsilv

I think our bodies get in the way of our really paying attention to the inner parts of ourselves and of each other.

This is especially noticeable when you've had a chance to get to know people on the internet... you see aspects of them very clearly that you might never have focused on if you'd met them in the physical world.

I don't know that I believe that "better place", but I don't exactly firmly disbelieve it either.... because it's as bad science to utterly dismiss something you can't explain as it would be to accept it fully.

But I do envy people who have a faith. It's comforting to them.

It all comes down to feelings in the end... and how responsibly we behave.

potatoesoftheworld

What should i do? I keep feeling i should do something, or should of done something.

marius

I want to share a story with you. If that's not what you need right now, then come back some other day and read it then. (I probably need to tell this story to make *me* feel better, so forgive me for that.) Anyway, here's a story about when my grandma died.

I was standing at the reception after the funeral when Sister Bess, a nun who had taken care of my grandma, came up and started talking. The conversation kind of went like this:

Sister Bess: You know your grandma liked to be busy.
marius: Yes, she did. She used to say, "Turn your hand to the work to be done."
Sister Bess: Exactly. That's how she was.
(long pause)
Sister Bess: Did you know that when people first get to heaven they give them a break?
marius: (confused) A break?
Sister Bess: Well, yes. They let people rest and get used to things before they put them to work.
marius: (wondering the point of this conversation) Oh, that's nice.
Sister Bess: Yes it is nice but you know your grandma - she likes to be useful. She's probably chomping at the bit wishing the heavenly orientation was over so she can get busy and do something. You could help with that.
marius: (very puzzled now) I can?
Sister Bess: Of course you can. You see, before too long your grandma is going to be very busy so right now is the time when she needs something to do. The way you can help is to think of whatever you need help with and let her know. She's in the position to help with all kinds of things and you'd be doing her a favor to send your prayer requests.
marius: Well that's not something I've ever heard before. You mean I should ask for something right now?
Sister Bess: Oh, I don't think you have to ask this minute, but anytime in the next few weeks, if you need help with something, or if someone you know needs help, your grandma would like it very much if you told her about who needs help and with what. She's in heaven now so, you know, she has *special contacts* and ways to help that she didn't have when she was on earth.
marius: Okay, thanks for telling me about this. I'll think about it.

Well, tater, I still don't know what to make of that conversation except that it made me smile every time I thought of grandma. She DID like to be busy. In the next few weeks I think I sent her a TON of requests, I still do from time to time and grandma died 21 years ago. Every time I lose someone I love I think of that nun telling me how it is when people first get to heaven, and I send lots and lots of prayers.

potatoesoftheworld

I just want her back.

Qsilv

(smiling slowly...) Thanks, marius... I love that concept.

As for the earlier quote, "closer to her now", I understand that one very well. People are only as close to you as you let them be.

When you "lose" someone you care about, in one way they seem awfully far away... you miss that ordinary daily contact... but in another way you open your mind and heart to sort of listen to them, or your absorbed memories of them, con-stant-ly.

Qsilv

Oh Tater... I know. I have a number of people I want back... and I've stood there and said that soooooooo intensely!

Perhaps that's a kind of prayer....

potatoesoftheworld

.I just want her back.

sheftali52

What should you do, Tater? You've done a lot already by being a friend. You can do more by keeping your friend in your heart, as others have suggested. Do the things you know Allie would enjoy, and think of her. Whenever someone I love passes away, I always ask myself if I could have done more, and I try to love those who are still living even more. Each day is precious, and if we resolve to love our friends and family to the fullest each day, I believe we'll all be okay.

marius

Of course you want her back. Strange thing, in time I think you'll feel that she is back. It won't be like before ... but kind of like Qsilv said.

sheftali52

But I believe I understand wanting her back.....

potatoesoftheworld

People say that it will be okay. I don't think i will.
People say that i will be over it after the funeral. Your not even giving me a week?
People say to tell a counselor. Letting a stranger know my problems?
People say that she was wonderful. Why can't she still be?
People say things they think make it better. People don't know.

potatoesoftheworld

Be right back- about 11:30

marius

Yep, people say all kinds of things. The point is ... it hurts very deeply, impossibly deeply and I know when I hurt that bad, it feels like it will never stop, like it will never be okay again.

sheftali52

People have good intentions when they say things, I believe. They care, and it might not sound like they're saying the right thing, but they're trying in their own way. We care about you, Tater, and will keep you in our thoughts. I have to go now, but will come back later, too. Thanks, marius, and Qsilv, for your caring and insights.

Qsilv

Ok... here's some hard truth bad news most people won't tell you--
no we can't say things to "make it better"
no it won't be "okay", much less in a week
and the "still be wonderful" has moved to the realm of memories

What really happens is that life settles a load of experiences on top of this one
...any time you scratch through that surface, you'll get back to the pain

But... how you live your life is still up to you.

Tater, in our culture you're still considered a child, but you're already wise and rather rich in experiences that make you worth being around.

marius

Ahh sweet tater, we have grandkids tomorrow and it's 1:30 a.m. here. So, I'm gonna turn in. But, before I go, I want to thank you for talking about this tonight. Everyone loses someone to death in time, and the thing is ... when people share their joys and their difficulties, it always helps me. You have helped me tonight even if I don't have the words to tell you how ... you have, and I thank you for that! I hope you have a peaceful sleep!

Thanks Qsilv and sheftali for "sitting." : )