polenta

I have a question for people in US, UK or other countries. If you are invited to a wedding and the invitation says it will be at 9 PM., what time do you REALLY go? And what time does the ceremony REALLY take place?

marg

.. a wedding at 9 p.m. ?

polenta

Sorry, at what time then? I don't really know. Here most of them are at 9 pm. But just write the time it says in the invitation you receive.

mostblessedone

Polenta, when our invitations state a given time, that is the time the event (wedding, party, etc.) is expected to begin. We will arrive in time to be seated and ready by then. 10-15 minutes early would be good for a smaller affair. If there are to be many people to be seated (with ushers escorting them) 15-30 minutes might be good. You also might be earlier to allow time to greet others beforehand, but there will be plenty of time to do that afterward, if there is a reception. Also, arriving more than half an hour early is possibly going to get in the way of frantic last minute preparations. I hope this helps. (9 p.m. would be an unusually late time here in US, but it could happen )

I would like to hear your answer to the same question, plus the whole issue of invitations and traditions. My community is heavily Hispanic, and there do seem to be different expectations. Here is an example:

When we give a birthday party for our children, we have a stated time to begin and end. The invited children are dropped off by their parents. We have the planned food, games, gifts, then the parents come back and take the children away. My daughters were once invited to their Mexican friend's birthday party. No written invitation, just word-of-mouth. I went to talk to the mama to get details. I was given an address to a home in another town. What time? "It doesn't matter." When will it end? "It doesn't matter." It ended up that my girls were invited to ride to the party with the family. My husband and I went to pick them up after a few hours (our stated time.) We found ourselfves enveloped into a huge group of people gathered inside and outside of this house. Different people pointed this way or that as we attempted to locate our children, the bithday girl, or her mom. Each of them offered food, and it became apparent that we would have been very rude to just grab our girls and go. At that time, I spoke almost no Spanish, and there was little English going on around there. The food was delish! and there appeared to be enough of it to feed this crowd and all who wondered in for several days. Now there are several Mexican families in our neighborhood, and I notice that when they have a party, it may continue into the wee hours of the morning!

My daughter had a Mexican-American teacher in high school who said she would never go to a party that had RSVP on the invitation. She found that to be insulting. (I thnk those letters stand for the French words that mean "Please let us know if you are coming or not.") That seems a wonderful arrangement, to me, because I will know just how much food, favors, etc to prepare without spending an unnecessary amount of money or finding myself without enough for the people who come. It is considered poor manners to not respond with one's intentions, but these days, it seems many Americans do not know what it means, and do not bother to communicate even though they do know.

We have an American term "party crashing", which basically means showing up at a party to which you are not invited. I am learning that the Mexican tradition seems to welcome all comers, and it is not at all inappropriate for the guests to invite others to come along. I first was made aware of this difference when a baby shower was given for me by a friend. I was very suprised when one guest brought along her relative, a person whom I had never met.

Okay, that was probably WAY MORE than you wanted to know!

polenta

Well, I don't really know about Mexico but here it would go like this:

Someone comes and leaves a printed invitation for their wedding. There could be an RSVP message and if not, I think you should say if you're NOT going. Each person costs money, the catering service charges per person!!! Another thing that is almost always written here is the bank or store account number for any present guests would like to give (small print, almost in a corner).
If the wedding is in the evening(most weddings), it will say something like 9pm. Some people could celebrate with a lunch at 1pm(the least).
The problem is that the religious or civil ceremony begins much, much later. Could be 10 or 10:30pm and the reception could begin as late as 11:30 or even later. IF YOU GO AT 9PM, THERE WILL BE NOBODY!!!!!!!The party can finish as late (or early?) as 6 am the next day. My husband and I usually stay up to no more than 2;30 or 3. But imagine eating the main course at 2 or 2;30 am. The hors d'oeuvres take a long time to be served and inbetween there is the dancing.
I hate this thing of not knowing exactly what time the wedding will be.
In a party such as the one above I would NEVER take anyone who hasn't been invited because the tables are already set and you are given a table number at the entrance. If it's a small party at a house, something like a birthday party where there is no caterer it could be I would dare but I think I would first call the hostess.
I was thinking about why people like receptions to be very late, when it's dark. Remember many evening dresses have silver and gold embroidery ,rhinestone and the like.... and all this looks much better at night, doesn't it?

Dragon

RSVP stands for -Respond sil vous plais. (My spelling and exact wording might be wrong-it's been over 20 yrs since my last french class) but basically means Respond if you please.

In Canada and the USA most weddings are in the early or mid afternoon with a reception following a couple of hours later (usually around 5 or 6 pm) The time between gives the wedding party time to have their pictures done. It's not unusual for the reception to last to 2 or 3 in the morning but most don't go past that (at least the one I've been to- my friends are pretty tame though).
An invite to a wedding almost always includes an RSVP card which you fill out telling the couple how many people to expect from you and often will ask you to choose a type of dish being offered for dinner. Eg: 2 people will be attending, we'll both have the fish.
Not sure if that sounds similar to Uraguay's traditions or not. I hadn't realized weddings went so late there, but you are right about formal dresses and suits, they do look so much better at night.

polenta

Oh... Goodness!!!!
This is fabulous.!!!! To be asked what you would like as a main dish!!! I've never seen it here!!!! And at my age, the mid-afternoon thing, especially on a Sunday sounds great!!!You have all the time of the world, no worries, fantastic!!!
What I have noticed here is that caterers never serve fish (with or without bones) and if it's chicken, it's always WITHOUT BONES.
You are many times seated at a table with total strangers... and the music is so loud that it's difficult to start a conversation. LOL
People who dance a lot have more fun in such parties.

mostblessedone

Polenta, music that overwhelms conversation is always an issue for me, especially as I am aging, and my hearing is not what it used to be. We often see choice of menu as "vegetarian; non vegetarian". I am with you on earlier hours. My bedtime is 8:30!

Login

So you are just about to go to bed, mostblessedone ... but I'll tell you anyway. I have acute hearing but have BIG problems with background noise ... it drowns out all converation ... very frustrating. Tinitus also ... loud music or noisy rooms set the tinitus raging.

polenta

Login, you should tell us about weddings in UK. I imagine you are from England, though the other day you recommended Ireland so wholeheartedly that I wonder where you are from.

solosater

Login, I've never heard another person say they heard well but had issues with background noise.

This is a real issue for me.

I can tell you where the back of your earring fell because I heard it hit the ground and bounce but in the mall or the fair or even in the car with the stereo playing I have a real hard time hearing. Then I compensate by speaking louder and it's just a mess!

I don't even realize it's a problem for a while, I frequently have to be told that I'm speaking too loud (do you ever do that?), that's generally when it hits me that I'm not hearing well and if the conversation is very important I'll ask the person to step out into the hall or outside or someplace quieter.

I makes me CRAZY!

I too have (quite minor) tinnitus occasionally; do you know if it's connected? How do you deal with it (I mean when you can't hear someone from the background noise)? Has it always been a problem or has it gotten worse with age (I’ve ALWAYS had this trouble)?

solosater

As for the weddings and all that, my circle of friends and I are all very low maintenance, and there are people from all walks of life from quite well off to quite poor. To be sure not to offend anyone or leave anyone out we most always go for a simple gathering even if it’s “formal”

Weddings are generally held in the mid afternoon to early evening and can go anywhere from 10pm to 3am depending on the group and the rules of the hall if it is rented. It is generally a real good idea to RSVP or at least give the hostess a call if you are not going to make it or to ask permission to bring extra guests (that would be rare unless you had unexpected guests from out of town or something like that). It is best to arrive 15 to 20 minutes earlier than the stated start time unless other directions are given.

As for the reception it is generally held no more than an hour after the ceremony but it is also usually held in a place where photographs can be taken so the bride and groom get their pictures but the guests are not left to wait for a long time. We generally do a sort of assigned potluck (volunteers are given a recipe and sometimes, depending on what the situation is, money to purchase what they need to prepare the assigned dish). The food is served buffet style (again, generally by volunteers). Seating is almost never assigned and mostly you know a good number of the people there so there is a lot of eating and walking & talking going on. We rarely serve alcohol but there is always something floating around (Shhh! Don’t tell.)

The music is (generally) prerecorded or there is an approved song list for the DJ and requests are run by the Host or MC (generally someone close to the bride and groom and who knows their taste) or just not taken at all. Dancing is open to all and as we (generally;-) have quite a lot of children there as well (I’ve only been to one that was “no kids allowed), the floor is always packed.

It is always appropriate to bring a gift (cash is always welcome), unless you are volunteering instead, as I mentioned there are some who cannot afford to bring a gift but they WANT to do something so this works out all around. I often fall into that category and I enjoy working in the background (don't like crowds) so I end up volunteering even when I do bring a gift.

We ALWAYS have volunteers ready to help with any clean-up or last minute errands and that sort of thing and NEVER EVER run out of food.

solosater

I’ve never been married and in fact I don’t date but I know for sure that if I ever do get married I will be doing a runner! I don’t like crowds, as I mentioned, and I think a bride should enjoy her wedding.

I would not actually elope but rather invite a few very close friends and family members to an out of town location for a private ceremony and a formal dinner and dancing.

I would then throw a large and less formal reception a month after my return to the real world. I think perhaps with a slide show of the ceremony set to music played during dinner.

And I might be persuaded to don the gown again if that was appropriate, but it’s not likely. Though I’ve never been married, I have been strapped into a few corsets in my time (I can always find a good excuse for costuming;-). Again, I think a bride should enjoy her reception and I can’t see how you could enjoy running around in a huge, hot, and WHITE gown and all the accouterments and also having a good time.

solosater

And if he don't like it he can leave!

This is why solo doesn't date;-)

solosater

I'm going to start thinking I'm talking to myself here but I was just reading back over some of the stuff I'd missed.

My mother had almost our whole house built, rebuilt or remodeled at sometime or other primarily by bartering. She was a hairdresser, she's not able to that kind of work now but back when I was growing up and after my brother moved out even our lawn was cared for by her clients. You cut my lawn; I'll cut your hair.

I've traded pedicures for massage and cranio-sacrul work and babysitting for some of the best home cooked meals and cooking lessons ever.

The part I think most Americans really don't get is not so much the trading of goods for services and what not but the negotiations, we don't ever question the price, maybe when we buy a car but even then most of us still know we're being taken for a ride;-)

We haven't grown up where this is the way of things, our parents mostly didn't negotiate prices either so it is really not a skill most Americans have.

I live in the southwest and have visited Mexico several times and there you are expected to haggle but I mostly sat back and let my girlfriend do all the talking, she's been at it since she was a little girl and was taught to haggle by her father the real pro.

It is an art, and really fun to watch when you know what’s going on.

marius

Solosater: generally I'm asleep by now. But since I'm not, just finished reading your contributions and loved them all! You made me smile and I always like to smile! Thanks!

Regarding hearing and background noises: I do not have tinnitus but was told 20+ yrs ago I had a learning disability involving hearing. Not sure they use that term anymore but back then it meant background noises interfered with my ability to think and concentrate, and feel calm. That seemed accurate, however it felt like that was not enough of an explanation.

Recently I met a gal who works in OT (occupational therapy) and she said I probably have a "sensory processing disorder." So I googled that and a lot of it fits. An example: sometimes it hurts to hear music, TV, anything. It feels like it hurts mentally, physically and perhaps even in the soul! It's an awful hurt. Like you said - drives me crazy! When spouse and I are on long trip I MUST have periods of time with NO music, NO radio, NO TV. Mercifully spouse also has sensory issues. Wind drives him crazy. Certain fabrics. So he's very understanding about my pecularities.

marius

Weddings! Many years ago I read that Maria Shriver (Arnold's wife) said if she could get married again she would not do the big thing with tons of guests. She said you are in an "altered" state of mind on your wedding day and that with all the people at her wedding, she barely remembers a THING about it, not ONE thing. She regretted that.

So when we got married nine yrs ago - 2nd for both of us - we invited 15 people and got married in our living room with large picture window that looked out over a pretty back yard. Ceremony took 5 minutes. We took pictures for 20 minutes after that and then took everyone out to dinner at a very nice place, in a private room. They had a choice of three entrees.

We had those throw-away cameras at every place setting and some little gifts for everyone. My sister provided nice centerpieces of flowers. And, my wedding dress was something I could wear again - although it'd have to be somewhere kind of fancy. I got a lot of compliments on it. Anyway, spouse and I talk about our wedding and both of us are still happy with how we did it. And, the 15 guests still talk about our wedding too. : )

Also - a lot of the 15 did not know each other so we sent out short bio's about everyone attending. Believe or not - people read those, studied them, and it was delightful hearing them chat about things they'd read in the bio's. In other words - people got to really interact and talk about things that meant something to them.

Also - the pictures everyone took with their cameras were so funny!

And note for Polenta: we were home by 9 p.m. and asleep by 10. : )

marius

And what a delightful story about how your Mom got home repairs, upgrades etc by bartering!

solosater

Wow, I didn't get to look at a lot of info, just Wiki, but I think you may be right. I don't think I've had as much trouble with it as was described there but I do know several people who have Asperger's and I've often thought I’m just one step off.

I have been diagnosed with ADD and I think it or whatever it is causing the trouble is getting worse, what I read didn't talk about progression but it was aimed at children primarily.

I know a lot of these disorders are very hard to diagnose in adults, apparently we've learned to cope to a degree and so we don't "look" like we have issues, we just get crazy when it gets to be too much and people think we're nuts.

I go nuts if there’s a television on in my house while I’m trying to sleep or read, even if it’s completely muted I can hear the electronic “buzz” and I can’t ignore it.

I’ve been telling my mother that the florescent lights in her house give me migraines but she thinks I just don’t like them and am being silly, I can hear them and the light is shaky like it’s vibrating, even the little squiggly ones.

High def TV gives me migraines too, while everyone else is terribly impressed with the great picture I’m trying not to look.

And I’ve been hypersensitive in my skin for years. I can’t wear sleeves most of the time because I feel like my skin is on fire when fabric touches me. This is probably 75% of the time and mostly effects my arms and hands, sometimes my shoulders, I’ve got a toga (OK, it’s a sheet) that I wear around the house so I don’t have to have anything touch my arms at all on my really bad days.

I have a fabulous neurologist, I'll ask her about it. Thanks for the info, even if it isn't a great fit for me, I love learning about this stuff. Our brains are so fascinating aren't they?

solosater

marius, your wedding sounds like an event I would have really enjoyed.

I hear all the time (as all my friends are married or have been) about the stress and frustration that they went through about the weddings what to wear, what not to wear, who to invite, who not to invite, what to serve...

Well, you get the idea. Your sounds lovely, I'm glad you have those memories. It's really too bad that so many people try so hard to please so many on that particular day only to find that they have only stressful memories of the occasion.